reflect. - 22:34:00
Sunday, 14 November 2010
it has been ages since i last post a proper blog post. hmm i happen to be in a blogging mood today so i shall just pen down [keyboard down] some thoughts.
i havent been productive so far for the holidays. but i have been thinking about how i have spent my 2010. it was not spent wisely. it was actually spent very very unwisely.
i did not achieve anything that i hoped that i have. & come to think of it, i havent been setting realistic goals for myself, both for academics & CCA. 2010 is a year full of screwed up phases. i'm such a screwed-up. such a failure.
academics. damn it i really regretted sleeping during lectures. & i only started panicking after block test that i may have to be retained. & after working for hard promos, i came to realize that improvement is not what any parent look for. what they want is just As. the more the merrier. they dont give a damn about how hard you've worked to try & catch up the 2 terms worth of work. they dont give you any encouragement when you're almost pulling out your hairs & getting your brains fried up. neither do they give you any encouragement when you have pulled out all your subjects from the U grade.
CCA. inter-JC still seems like yesterday. the disappointment. i thought i really have worked hard. but reality is telling me that i am not working hard enough. & people are just more hardworking & that's why they are better. i really love tkd but it doesnt seem like i will ever be able to achieve anything glorious in my life for tkd. i wonder how i can persevere and possess the confidence that i already lacked, especially when my parents arent supportive at all & kept asking me to give up what i'm passionate about. cruelly trying to extinguish that fire burning in me. at least i cant find the motivation to persevere. i cant find that place to refuel my confidence.
i'm not going to say anything about my social cycle. i guess it's shrinking at a relatively fast speed. shall i just start becoming anti-social? 2010 is a terrible year. i start making enemies & losing friends. & everyone seems to be drifting apart. everyone has their own life to lead. it is sad when you are not a part of anyone's life. i know i do have someone that makes up a huge part of my life. but i think i'm just too greedy, i cant just have you. ): argh i'm so greedy & evil & greedy & evil. )': i wish i can be like pinky who can depend entirely on julian. i wish i can be like meichun, too. but i think i am just too greedy. too greedy for my own good.
& family relationships. what can i say? there is nothing much i can do. there are really times that i wanted to do what i wanted. but i guess i'm too cowardly to do so. i just wanted a little more care, a little more understanding, a little more love. is there really a need for me to do that to obtain these which i cant seem to ask for? you never try to understand, you never reflect & think about what you have done, do you? in your eyes, i guess i am just a failure. 一个胸无大志，前程无光的孩子.
i read pinky's blogpost in the afternoon & cant help feeling very very very much for what she felt. 同感深受 i guess? cant believe that i actually went into the toilet & sat on the toilet bowl for more than an hour.
what am i working hard for in my life?
am i indulging in self-pity? i hope not. :/
rant rant rant. :/
i need to find my purpose in life. i need to get my life back. i really miss the old me. ):