- 12:03:00
Sunday, 25 May 2008
i forgot when.
but i think it is after the external competition trial run when this image of sqms playing ball came to my mind. we were all very, very happy and high! and then the image of sqms getting pissed and flared up with each other jumped out and made a huge contrast with it.
what has gotten into us.
or rather, me.
it has been quite a while, since i last FEEL emotions such as really happiness or sorrow.
it has been numb all this while.
i havent been really thinking. i am not thinking.
results going down. and it takes ages for me to process questions that require me to think and reflect about how i really feel.
then the image of chuxi and me at the chinese dance sabbatical jumped out too. i dont know why.
但是那段回忆是快乐的.
thinking back, i have not been feeling really happy. all these while it's just zi-highing, trying to show that i am happy.
我想要脱下这个虚伪的面具
i am not really a very cheerful person, really. and i forgot when and why i started feeling tired of being cheerful when i am actually not.
i seemed to be contradicting myself.
i am not sure if i am really expressing myself in the way i really want to.
i am sure no one understands.
i am sure someone will read this and maybe go "ee so yijung is liddat" and maybe gen1 wo3 jue2 jiao1.
i dont care.
i am tired of caring. tired of being emo. tired of all the problems that we/i are/am facing.
now. i dont know how i really am.
i feel that i am lost on my own path even though there is only one way leading to the end.
i want to stop the time and go back to the past.
where i can think coherently.
where i can stop worrying about all the events that are crushing down on me.
where we could still be happy.
i am not sure if anyone would understand.
i am bad at expressing myself.
I´m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don´t know what you´re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I´ve become so numb I can´t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I´m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can´t you see that you´re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
´Cuse everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I´ve become so numb I can´t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I´m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
I´ve become so numb I can´t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I´m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I´ve become so numb I can´t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I´ve become so numb I can´t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
我不想长大